It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. See loving you is like a battle...and we both end up with scars.
Lauryn Hill
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
X Factor
I thought I was over it...
I thought, yeah, I've dealt with the pain and struggle and the pressure that goes with processing that someone you love so dearly and put all your faith in, has turned into something or someone no longer recognizable.
I was his biggest advocate. Everything I did was done with him in mind. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and be proud that I belonged to him.
I'd had other loves...but this one...this one was special. He was my first love. The first man to give me flowers and jewelry...My first valentine. This was the man who's face would light up when I walked in a room.
He epitomized strength, dignity, respect and all things masculine. But he had a subtle tenderness that could remove all fear, uncertainty and doubt.
He was actually my first date as well. We went to the park and had ice cream. I remember being so naive about life and what it meant...what it would bring. But he had all the answers. He was so smart and wise beyond his years. He could bring even the most complex of subjects down to a level I could comprehend.
But then...something changed. I guess life got in the way. Trials and tribulations caused him to weaken under pressure. The armour of strength and dignity that he once proudly dawned is now full of chinks and cracks.
I try to think about the way it used to be...a time gone past when everything was much more simple and easy. But, the vision of the current situation keeps haunting my memory. Like a thick dense London fog....my hurt, pain and disappointment continue to fester.
I still love him. I can't just throw away what we had and who he's been to me. But the change he's undergone is just too deep. The evolution from the man he was to the man he is now is frightening and confusing at the same time.
How could he? How could someone make such a drastic change in character and emotion? What happened and why didn't I see it sooner?
I don't blame myself...because I know we all make choices. I know that I don't have to be a statistic and become another bitter Black woman. You know how society loves to label us anyway. And realistically...I don't want that.
I want to work through this..but I don't know where to start. I've tried to be open and honest with him...and even tell him that, while I don't agree with the choice he's made, I...in some strange way understand. But in all honesty...I don't know where to begin.
I've prayed and cried and cried and prayed and talked and wrote and self helped and self medicated all that I can. But nothing takes the pain away. The sting is so deep that....as I write this, I wonder if I'll every really be the same.
I know that deep down...he's a good man who ultimately wants nothing but the best for me. But that doesn't change anything...and it definitely doesn't make it easier to deal with.
The wound is deep ya'll....I might need surgery for this one.
I've bounced back from the disappointment of love before...but I've never...never experienced anything like this.
See...the man I'm speaking of. He's no ordinary man. My brothers call him Dad but to me....he's Daddy.
I'm going to get through this. I know I will. But today...it seems a little harder to bear.
My parents divorce is something I NEVER thought I'd have to deal with...and certainly not at 33. I sometimes wish they would have done it sooner...it would have been so much easier, or so it seems, to deal with this at 9 or 11. But when you're grown and have the ability to process what's taking place. You see the pain and dissention that's happening in the family....and you realize...there's absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Wow...what a feeling that is.
I know this wasn't written in my usually positive vernacular. But in a way...there is some positivity to be gleaned here...if you dig deep...you'll find it.
I've written before that there's strength in our vulnerability. Well...I guess I've put that in action today.
I'll be alright...really I will. But today...a sista just had to vent.
See you on the flipside...
PosB
Lauryn Hill
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
X Factor
I thought I was over it...
I thought, yeah, I've dealt with the pain and struggle and the pressure that goes with processing that someone you love so dearly and put all your faith in, has turned into something or someone no longer recognizable.
I was his biggest advocate. Everything I did was done with him in mind. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and be proud that I belonged to him.
I'd had other loves...but this one...this one was special. He was my first love. The first man to give me flowers and jewelry...My first valentine. This was the man who's face would light up when I walked in a room.
He epitomized strength, dignity, respect and all things masculine. But he had a subtle tenderness that could remove all fear, uncertainty and doubt.
He was actually my first date as well. We went to the park and had ice cream. I remember being so naive about life and what it meant...what it would bring. But he had all the answers. He was so smart and wise beyond his years. He could bring even the most complex of subjects down to a level I could comprehend.
But then...something changed. I guess life got in the way. Trials and tribulations caused him to weaken under pressure. The armour of strength and dignity that he once proudly dawned is now full of chinks and cracks.
I try to think about the way it used to be...a time gone past when everything was much more simple and easy. But, the vision of the current situation keeps haunting my memory. Like a thick dense London fog....my hurt, pain and disappointment continue to fester.
I still love him. I can't just throw away what we had and who he's been to me. But the change he's undergone is just too deep. The evolution from the man he was to the man he is now is frightening and confusing at the same time.
How could he? How could someone make such a drastic change in character and emotion? What happened and why didn't I see it sooner?
I don't blame myself...because I know we all make choices. I know that I don't have to be a statistic and become another bitter Black woman. You know how society loves to label us anyway. And realistically...I don't want that.
I want to work through this..but I don't know where to start. I've tried to be open and honest with him...and even tell him that, while I don't agree with the choice he's made, I...in some strange way understand. But in all honesty...I don't know where to begin.
I've prayed and cried and cried and prayed and talked and wrote and self helped and self medicated all that I can. But nothing takes the pain away. The sting is so deep that....as I write this, I wonder if I'll every really be the same.
I know that deep down...he's a good man who ultimately wants nothing but the best for me. But that doesn't change anything...and it definitely doesn't make it easier to deal with.
The wound is deep ya'll....I might need surgery for this one.
I've bounced back from the disappointment of love before...but I've never...never experienced anything like this.
See...the man I'm speaking of. He's no ordinary man. My brothers call him Dad but to me....he's Daddy.
I'm going to get through this. I know I will. But today...it seems a little harder to bear.
My parents divorce is something I NEVER thought I'd have to deal with...and certainly not at 33. I sometimes wish they would have done it sooner...it would have been so much easier, or so it seems, to deal with this at 9 or 11. But when you're grown and have the ability to process what's taking place. You see the pain and dissention that's happening in the family....and you realize...there's absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Wow...what a feeling that is.
I know this wasn't written in my usually positive vernacular. But in a way...there is some positivity to be gleaned here...if you dig deep...you'll find it.
I've written before that there's strength in our vulnerability. Well...I guess I've put that in action today.
I'll be alright...really I will. But today...a sista just had to vent.
See you on the flipside...
PosB
posted by PositivBlack at 1:49 AM
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