Searching for The Breakthrough

So...I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite ministers, TD Jakes. Love him or hate him, the brotha can break down the scriptures in a way that is thought provoking, but still maintaing spiritual soundness.

He's speaking about liberation and how those of us in the church will be 'stuck' in a rut of doubt, uncertainty, and lack of faith. We know we're called to greatness, and are grounded in what God's word says we are, but somehow, we're stuck in a place that seems hard to come out of.

We find it easier to run to church ( or work) sit on committees, get on boards, join organizations than to deal with whatever it is that's tormenting us. Then...when we do get 'free' we expect for everyone else to be on board with our new found revelation.

Once the freedom comes, though...it's only temporary. Because all it takes is one thing not to go right, one wrong word to be spoken to us, and we're right back where we started from. We pay lip service to our faith as opposed to really putting it into action.

Then...Sunday morning or Wednesday night comes again. We arm ourselves with our bible and a smile, determined to continue wearing the social mask of perceived happiness and having it all togetherness....but deep down inside we're hurting, crying out for someone, anyone to pull us out of the pit of deception and turmoil. The music begins to play, and we get ' the spirit.' The word is delivered to us, and we get a little somethin' pulling and tugging at our spirit telling us we can make it, our breakthrough is coming, our day is coming, we're free and all the other spiritual buzzwords that are so prevelant in our church vernacular.

The reason we continue to be polarized in our spiritual walk, is that we're searching for some big manifestation of God to happen in our lives. We want to 'feel' something. We search incessantly for the breakthrough...but the breakthrough seems to only be temporary.

Something has become evidently clear to me. Instead of searching for the breakthrough, we should be drawn to the One who provides the breakthrough. God...in his many forms and infinite wisdom and power wants us to draw closer to him.

I don't believe he desires us to be thrown to and fro or to be in a perpetual state of uncertainty. He desires us to be even keeled, consistent, and resolute in our search for Him.

I'm learning that everything that happens to us...the good and the bad, is designed to draw us closer to our Creator. Every area of our lives should be touched by God. Our existence is predicated upon His grace and mercy. The blessings, the trials, the ups and downs are all designed to draw us closer to our spiritual center.

The breakthrough shouldn't be the end result. Our journey with the breakthrough provider is what will bring us the peace, joy and freedom we're in search of.

Come walk with me...

PosB

I Owe Me

Everyone who knows me, and of course those of you who read my blog, know that I'm really big on self empowerment. Life is a journey...but along the way, there's lessons to learn and epiphanies to glean something from.

Recently, I've had to make some difficult decisions, and we all know, change is never an easy thing to deal with.

It's awkward because you're making an adjustment that may not have necessarily been planned for. Contemplating the change can oftentimes be more difficult than change itself. Once done, it's difficult for everyone involved to deal with and understand.

Growth is never easy. The pain that can emerge as your spirit moves to a new place can be overwhelming sometimes. The end result is amazing...but it's that in between stage that's oftentimes difficult to deal with.

It's during my own recent growth pains that I realized something.

I owe me.

I owe it to myself to not remain stagnant. Wallowing in self-doubt and pitty can't be options for me.

I own my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. And likewise, I own the preservation of that as well. God has entrusted me with these elements and it's in his will that I become the best me that I can be.

I owe it to myself to be the best ME that I can be.

Making the choice to embark upon a growth journey is the first step. It's not easy, and sometimes, yes...it hurts. But you owe yourself the right to launch out.

The benefit isn't in the end result...it's in the journey.

My how things have changed...

So...today is my birthday! I turned 34, and you know...I've realized just how much I've changed over the years.

I did absolutely nothing, short of going to church. I had plans of hanging out with the girl's doin our thing, but that got overshadowed by some unforseen circumstances with one of them.

But...even before I was aware of my girl's situation, I came home from church thinking..."man, I could really stand with not doing anything but chilling with some prailines n cream haagen daaz and calling it a day!"

After a power nap, me and the crew caught up and they tried to get me to come out. I suppose I was already somewhat agitated that I couldn't get in contact with the person who organized our soiree, so I decided against it. We're going to paint the town red tomorrow with some spa treatments and a girl's day out, so that should be cool!

It's funny, though. There was a time when I would've cried my eyes out because I wasn't with my friends and fam. from back home. But this time...I'm cool as a cucumber!

I'm almost scared that I've become so comfortable with being by myself. There was a time when I HAD to have a crowd of people around me. I could barely stand to be alone with my own thoughts. As soon as I walked in the house, the tv or stereo had to be on...or I had to be having a phone conversation. The only time I was really by myself was when I was sleeping.

Fast forward to today. I'm at home with a hot cup of tea and a book, and on my birthday nonetheless!! And...I'm ok with that.

I'm thankful that I've gotten to a place where I'm comfortable in my own company. That's pretty cool. But it's also scary. I hope I don't get so used to being alone that I put thing's in the universe that would inhibit me from attracting other's into my circle. Maybe that's another thing for me to work on...hmm, maybe I've inspired another blog already!

At any rate, I'm thankful for another year. A new path is ahead...it'll be interesting to see where this leads!

Stay tuned...there's certainly more to come.

Ciao....

PosB

A change gon' come

Wow...it's been a minute. Did ya miss me?? *wink*

Life has taken over and it's been difficult to find time to blog. But...I'm back on track and hopefully, you'll hear more from me!

The last 2 years have been interesting to say the least. It seems that just as I recovered from one crisis, another was looming. My patience, faith, and tenacity were all put to the test.

But now...I'm on the other side of the drama and as always, I'm looking back in retrospect trying to contemplate the lessons I was supposed to take away from all this. A couple things have become very apparent...

Firstly, we're all alot stronger than we think. There's nothing like a series of crises to put us to the test and reveal the survivor in us all.

Secondly, it's not just about surviving..it's about living. And living, is not just about the quest to acquire more material gain, the next big promotion, or the perfect man or woman. Living...truly living is about finding purpose in your existence and that purpose should include helping someone else recognize their full potential.

I'm realizing now, more than ever, that the reason we go through crisis is ultimately to help someone else. You can never really be of service to anyone if you haven't been where they are. Otherwise, you're just paying lip service and not really adding much value.

Struggle is never fun. It's not easy, and it hurts like hell. But in actuality, struggle is, in my opinion, growth pains for grown-ups. There's usually a lesson for you to learn that for whatever the reason, didn't become apparent the first 50 times so God, in his infinite wisdom, decided you were going to learn the lesson no matter what the cost.

When you're going through the struggle everything gets thrown off. Your thoughts are consumed with the struggle. Everything you do or say is in some way a by-product of whatever it is you're going through. Sleep is affected, your appetite, and sometimes...even your will to go on is shaken.

But if you can just hold on...change always comes. What seemed like something that was unbearable suddenly pales in comparison to the reality of what lies ahead.

I'm not saying it's easy cause God knows it aint. But if you can just hold on, even when there doesn't seem as though there's anything left to hold on to...you can reap in due season if you just don't faint.

See ya on the flipside!!

PosB

The Disconnect

Ok, I think I have single handedly managed to discover and solve the problem with the disconnect that happens in relationships....Wait for it....here it is...

Mixed signals.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is it! Eureka!!! *Handel's "Messiah" plays here*

Whether or not it's you sending the signals, or if you happen to be on the receiving end, chances are, this is where the problems began.

I had my share of this recently. Without going into a whole lot of detail...I'll provide you with the abridged version.

Boy meets girl. Girl and boy like each other. Boy starts putting signals out there that there could be some potential here. Boy knows girl is coming out of another relationship, but gets upset when girl mentions the third party. Girl and boy cut ties for a minute, but eventually end up cool again. Boy puts out more signals that he's interested, girl acts on them...but holds back. Girl begins to put out her own set of signals that we can get things poppin' if boy is down. Boy travels within 3 hours of where girl is but doesn't tell her unil after the fact. Girl gets upset, sends an email to boy stating why she was flustered. Boy then says girl is crazy and dillusional...and today...girl and boy aren't speaking.

Now, yes there was probably a litle more to this, but you can at least get the gist of what went down. I realized in thinking about this, that the problem wasn't only in my perception, but it was also in his lack of ability to be real about his part to play in shaping that perception.

I also recognized something else...I've been guilty of doing the same thing a time or two myself.

Relationshps, especially those that are new, are difficult enough to maneuver through without having to decipher morse code. If you're feeling someone say so...if your not...say that too. But don't get upset when you've put things in the universe that would lead the other party to believe that maybe there's an opportunity to move things to another level, and when they're acted upon...get upset because what that person perceived wasn't what you were ready for, or wasn't your exact intentions.

Communication is essential at every stage of the game, and it has to be two-fold.

The other thing that's worth mentioning here is that openness isn't a sign of weakness. I've said it before and I'll say it again...there is strength in vulnerability.


When someone decides they can be open and honest about their feelings with you, it's not a sign of craziness or dementia. It's an attempt by the other person to let you know where they are in the process of getting to know you and understanding where the relationsip might have a possiblity of going. There's no crime in this, but I think because many of us aren't used to folks putting their feelings out there without a hidden agenda, we run from it and call it something other than what it is.

I'm amazed at the games people play when it comes to matters of the heart. You can't play with another person's emotions and not expect any backlash for doing so. If you put it out there, be ready to back it up and not shy away when the other person acts on what you threw in their direction.

I'm not saying miscommunication doesn't happen. If that is the case, talk about it. Deal with it until both of you are on the same page and can move forward.

Never allow someone else to make assumptions about your feelings or intentions. If you're not sure or, if things are moving in a direction that you're not ready for, be man or woman enough to own up to how you played a part in getting to that point. It's not always the other person's fault.

Perception is reality. We just have to be grown enough to recognize when we've had a part to play in shaping the other party's reality about what is or, in some cases, what isn't.

Whatever it is, talk about it...don't shy away from it.

Communication is a good thing. Even if what's said isn't neccessarily what you want to hear.

Ciao for now...

PosB

Balance

Wow! It's been a minute hasn't it.

It's been crazy busy for me...work has had a sista here there and everywhere. But, I'm settled down a bit, and hopefully can make more time to create new entries.

As you know, and have probably gathered from previous blogs, I'm always in a place of introspection. I constantly question mine and other's motives...so I find it interesting when others aren't capable or just simply don't want to do the same. It's almost surreal to me. But...perhaps that's for another post! =)

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a bridal shower for a friend from church. It was a lovely evening...we hired a couple beauty therapists to do facials, manicures and pedicures for the attendees, ate way too much and even had a few glasses of Pinot Grigiot to round out the evening!

Towards the middle of the night, we had an Ann Summers rep to come in and show us a few naughty but nice items. For those of you not familar, Ann Summers is the UK version of Victorias Secret, Frederick's of Hollywood and Adam and Eve rolled into one. They do everything from your run of the mill cute lingerie sets and pj's to vibes, lubes and everything else you can think of.

Now...let me give you a little background info. The women at the shower are all from the Afro-Carribbean community here in the UK. The bride is 25 still a virgin and was as green as the lawns at Wimbledon. She's getting married Friday and as of last night, hadn't given the least bit of thought to birth control. When asked if she was using some form of contraception, her response was..."well, I know we don't want kids right away...but I just didn't think about getting on the pill before the wedding." *insert bulging eyes here* There was another attendee who I believe is 43. She is also a virgin...and was totally incapable of understanding why a woman would ever want or need to purchase sexy lingerie...let alone any of the other items that were on display.

Now...I'm not a saint, but I'm certainly not someone who's out there giving myself to anyone who comes along. I live my life with a set of standards that I refuse to lower for anyone. But for some reason, I felt like I was simply in another world. It was borderline surreal...and shocking to say the least. There were women of various ages and experience levels. Some married, a few single...but I don't think I've ever been in a room with so many sexually repressed people in all my life. I actually witnessed a woman who has been married for 20+ years with grown children become visibly ill at the mention of oral sex. What was that about?!!! And get this...we were talking about receiving...not giving!!! Can you imagine?!! I'm still in awe from that one. The sister of the bride didn't even know what a garter was. *insert more bulging eyes*

I mean, I was raised in the Church...but my parents were always real and up front with me when it came to my curiosity about my own sexualtiy and just being educated about what I was experiencing as I developed into womanhood.

So, I guess I'm shocked that there are those who somehow think that as spiritually in tune church-going women, somehow, we are no longer allowed to have sexual desires. Why are we made to feel that by being liberated about our sensual likes and dislikes that we're wrong for doing so?

I'm so thankful that I've arrived to a place in my spiritual journey that I can be free to be me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning living a life of promiscuity and no restraint. I believe we should have a balanced viewpoint of life and love.
We should be able to be real about where we are in our walk and not be afraid or ashamed for being, well...human.

It's a cool thing when you can be unapologetic about who you are. I can be spiritually grounded, sensual, and celebratory of the woman I am. And you know what...that's ok.

I hope I never get to a place where I loose my balance and pray that I'm always able to question without fear of reprisal.

PosB

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. See loving you is like a battle...and we both end up with scars.

Lauryn Hill
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
X Factor

I thought I was over it...

I thought, yeah, I've dealt with the pain and struggle and the pressure that goes with processing that someone you love so dearly and put all your faith in, has turned into something or someone no longer recognizable.

I was his biggest advocate. Everything I did was done with him in mind. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and be proud that I belonged to him.

I'd had other loves...but this one...this one was special. He was my first love. The first man to give me flowers and jewelry...My first valentine. This was the man who's face would light up when I walked in a room.

He epitomized strength, dignity, respect and all things masculine. But he had a subtle tenderness that could remove all fear, uncertainty and doubt.

He was actually my first date as well. We went to the park and had ice cream. I remember being so naive about life and what it meant...what it would bring. But he had all the answers. He was so smart and wise beyond his years. He could bring even the most complex of subjects down to a level I could comprehend.

But then...something changed. I guess life got in the way. Trials and tribulations caused him to weaken under pressure. The armour of strength and dignity that he once proudly dawned is now full of chinks and cracks.

I try to think about the way it used to be...a time gone past when everything was much more simple and easy. But, the vision of the current situation keeps haunting my memory. Like a thick dense London fog....my hurt, pain and disappointment continue to fester.

I still love him. I can't just throw away what we had and who he's been to me. But the change he's undergone is just too deep. The evolution from the man he was to the man he is now is frightening and confusing at the same time.

How could he? How could someone make such a drastic change in character and emotion? What happened and why didn't I see it sooner?

I don't blame myself...because I know we all make choices. I know that I don't have to be a statistic and become another bitter Black woman. You know how society loves to label us anyway. And realistically...I don't want that.

I want to work through this..but I don't know where to start. I've tried to be open and honest with him...and even tell him that, while I don't agree with the choice he's made, I...in some strange way understand. But in all honesty...I don't know where to begin.

I've prayed and cried and cried and prayed and talked and wrote and self helped and self medicated all that I can. But nothing takes the pain away. The sting is so deep that....as I write this, I wonder if I'll every really be the same.

I know that deep down...he's a good man who ultimately wants nothing but the best for me. But that doesn't change anything...and it definitely doesn't make it easier to deal with.

The wound is deep ya'll....I might need surgery for this one.
I've bounced back from the disappointment of love before...but I've never...never experienced anything like this.

See...the man I'm speaking of. He's no ordinary man. My brothers call him Dad but to me....he's Daddy.

I'm going to get through this. I know I will. But today...it seems a little harder to bear.

My parents divorce is something I NEVER thought I'd have to deal with...and certainly not at 33. I sometimes wish they would have done it sooner...it would have been so much easier, or so it seems, to deal with this at 9 or 11. But when you're grown and have the ability to process what's taking place. You see the pain and dissention that's happening in the family....and you realize...there's absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Wow...what a feeling that is.

I know this wasn't written in my usually positive vernacular. But in a way...there is some positivity to be gleaned here...if you dig deep...you'll find it.

I've written before that there's strength in our vulnerability. Well...I guess I've put that in action today.

I'll be alright...really I will. But today...a sista just had to vent.

See you on the flipside...

PosB