The Disconnect

Ok, I think I have single handedly managed to discover and solve the problem with the disconnect that happens in relationships....Wait for it....here it is...

Mixed signals.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is it! Eureka!!! *Handel's "Messiah" plays here*

Whether or not it's you sending the signals, or if you happen to be on the receiving end, chances are, this is where the problems began.

I had my share of this recently. Without going into a whole lot of detail...I'll provide you with the abridged version.

Boy meets girl. Girl and boy like each other. Boy starts putting signals out there that there could be some potential here. Boy knows girl is coming out of another relationship, but gets upset when girl mentions the third party. Girl and boy cut ties for a minute, but eventually end up cool again. Boy puts out more signals that he's interested, girl acts on them...but holds back. Girl begins to put out her own set of signals that we can get things poppin' if boy is down. Boy travels within 3 hours of where girl is but doesn't tell her unil after the fact. Girl gets upset, sends an email to boy stating why she was flustered. Boy then says girl is crazy and dillusional...and today...girl and boy aren't speaking.

Now, yes there was probably a litle more to this, but you can at least get the gist of what went down. I realized in thinking about this, that the problem wasn't only in my perception, but it was also in his lack of ability to be real about his part to play in shaping that perception.

I also recognized something else...I've been guilty of doing the same thing a time or two myself.

Relationshps, especially those that are new, are difficult enough to maneuver through without having to decipher morse code. If you're feeling someone say so...if your not...say that too. But don't get upset when you've put things in the universe that would lead the other party to believe that maybe there's an opportunity to move things to another level, and when they're acted upon...get upset because what that person perceived wasn't what you were ready for, or wasn't your exact intentions.

Communication is essential at every stage of the game, and it has to be two-fold.

The other thing that's worth mentioning here is that openness isn't a sign of weakness. I've said it before and I'll say it again...there is strength in vulnerability.


When someone decides they can be open and honest about their feelings with you, it's not a sign of craziness or dementia. It's an attempt by the other person to let you know where they are in the process of getting to know you and understanding where the relationsip might have a possiblity of going. There's no crime in this, but I think because many of us aren't used to folks putting their feelings out there without a hidden agenda, we run from it and call it something other than what it is.

I'm amazed at the games people play when it comes to matters of the heart. You can't play with another person's emotions and not expect any backlash for doing so. If you put it out there, be ready to back it up and not shy away when the other person acts on what you threw in their direction.

I'm not saying miscommunication doesn't happen. If that is the case, talk about it. Deal with it until both of you are on the same page and can move forward.

Never allow someone else to make assumptions about your feelings or intentions. If you're not sure or, if things are moving in a direction that you're not ready for, be man or woman enough to own up to how you played a part in getting to that point. It's not always the other person's fault.

Perception is reality. We just have to be grown enough to recognize when we've had a part to play in shaping the other party's reality about what is or, in some cases, what isn't.

Whatever it is, talk about it...don't shy away from it.

Communication is a good thing. Even if what's said isn't neccessarily what you want to hear.

Ciao for now...

PosB

Balance

Wow! It's been a minute hasn't it.

It's been crazy busy for me...work has had a sista here there and everywhere. But, I'm settled down a bit, and hopefully can make more time to create new entries.

As you know, and have probably gathered from previous blogs, I'm always in a place of introspection. I constantly question mine and other's motives...so I find it interesting when others aren't capable or just simply don't want to do the same. It's almost surreal to me. But...perhaps that's for another post! =)

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a bridal shower for a friend from church. It was a lovely evening...we hired a couple beauty therapists to do facials, manicures and pedicures for the attendees, ate way too much and even had a few glasses of Pinot Grigiot to round out the evening!

Towards the middle of the night, we had an Ann Summers rep to come in and show us a few naughty but nice items. For those of you not familar, Ann Summers is the UK version of Victorias Secret, Frederick's of Hollywood and Adam and Eve rolled into one. They do everything from your run of the mill cute lingerie sets and pj's to vibes, lubes and everything else you can think of.

Now...let me give you a little background info. The women at the shower are all from the Afro-Carribbean community here in the UK. The bride is 25 still a virgin and was as green as the lawns at Wimbledon. She's getting married Friday and as of last night, hadn't given the least bit of thought to birth control. When asked if she was using some form of contraception, her response was..."well, I know we don't want kids right away...but I just didn't think about getting on the pill before the wedding." *insert bulging eyes here* There was another attendee who I believe is 43. She is also a virgin...and was totally incapable of understanding why a woman would ever want or need to purchase sexy lingerie...let alone any of the other items that were on display.

Now...I'm not a saint, but I'm certainly not someone who's out there giving myself to anyone who comes along. I live my life with a set of standards that I refuse to lower for anyone. But for some reason, I felt like I was simply in another world. It was borderline surreal...and shocking to say the least. There were women of various ages and experience levels. Some married, a few single...but I don't think I've ever been in a room with so many sexually repressed people in all my life. I actually witnessed a woman who has been married for 20+ years with grown children become visibly ill at the mention of oral sex. What was that about?!!! And get this...we were talking about receiving...not giving!!! Can you imagine?!! I'm still in awe from that one. The sister of the bride didn't even know what a garter was. *insert more bulging eyes*

I mean, I was raised in the Church...but my parents were always real and up front with me when it came to my curiosity about my own sexualtiy and just being educated about what I was experiencing as I developed into womanhood.

So, I guess I'm shocked that there are those who somehow think that as spiritually in tune church-going women, somehow, we are no longer allowed to have sexual desires. Why are we made to feel that by being liberated about our sensual likes and dislikes that we're wrong for doing so?

I'm so thankful that I've arrived to a place in my spiritual journey that I can be free to be me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning living a life of promiscuity and no restraint. I believe we should have a balanced viewpoint of life and love.
We should be able to be real about where we are in our walk and not be afraid or ashamed for being, well...human.

It's a cool thing when you can be unapologetic about who you are. I can be spiritually grounded, sensual, and celebratory of the woman I am. And you know what...that's ok.

I hope I never get to a place where I loose my balance and pray that I'm always able to question without fear of reprisal.

PosB

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. See loving you is like a battle...and we both end up with scars.

Lauryn Hill
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
X Factor

I thought I was over it...

I thought, yeah, I've dealt with the pain and struggle and the pressure that goes with processing that someone you love so dearly and put all your faith in, has turned into something or someone no longer recognizable.

I was his biggest advocate. Everything I did was done with him in mind. I wanted nothing more than for him to be pleased with me and be proud that I belonged to him.

I'd had other loves...but this one...this one was special. He was my first love. The first man to give me flowers and jewelry...My first valentine. This was the man who's face would light up when I walked in a room.

He epitomized strength, dignity, respect and all things masculine. But he had a subtle tenderness that could remove all fear, uncertainty and doubt.

He was actually my first date as well. We went to the park and had ice cream. I remember being so naive about life and what it meant...what it would bring. But he had all the answers. He was so smart and wise beyond his years. He could bring even the most complex of subjects down to a level I could comprehend.

But then...something changed. I guess life got in the way. Trials and tribulations caused him to weaken under pressure. The armour of strength and dignity that he once proudly dawned is now full of chinks and cracks.

I try to think about the way it used to be...a time gone past when everything was much more simple and easy. But, the vision of the current situation keeps haunting my memory. Like a thick dense London fog....my hurt, pain and disappointment continue to fester.

I still love him. I can't just throw away what we had and who he's been to me. But the change he's undergone is just too deep. The evolution from the man he was to the man he is now is frightening and confusing at the same time.

How could he? How could someone make such a drastic change in character and emotion? What happened and why didn't I see it sooner?

I don't blame myself...because I know we all make choices. I know that I don't have to be a statistic and become another bitter Black woman. You know how society loves to label us anyway. And realistically...I don't want that.

I want to work through this..but I don't know where to start. I've tried to be open and honest with him...and even tell him that, while I don't agree with the choice he's made, I...in some strange way understand. But in all honesty...I don't know where to begin.

I've prayed and cried and cried and prayed and talked and wrote and self helped and self medicated all that I can. But nothing takes the pain away. The sting is so deep that....as I write this, I wonder if I'll every really be the same.

I know that deep down...he's a good man who ultimately wants nothing but the best for me. But that doesn't change anything...and it definitely doesn't make it easier to deal with.

The wound is deep ya'll....I might need surgery for this one.
I've bounced back from the disappointment of love before...but I've never...never experienced anything like this.

See...the man I'm speaking of. He's no ordinary man. My brothers call him Dad but to me....he's Daddy.

I'm going to get through this. I know I will. But today...it seems a little harder to bear.

My parents divorce is something I NEVER thought I'd have to deal with...and certainly not at 33. I sometimes wish they would have done it sooner...it would have been so much easier, or so it seems, to deal with this at 9 or 11. But when you're grown and have the ability to process what's taking place. You see the pain and dissention that's happening in the family....and you realize...there's absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Wow...what a feeling that is.

I know this wasn't written in my usually positive vernacular. But in a way...there is some positivity to be gleaned here...if you dig deep...you'll find it.

I've written before that there's strength in our vulnerability. Well...I guess I've put that in action today.

I'll be alright...really I will. But today...a sista just had to vent.

See you on the flipside...

PosB